Have you ever been in a relationship that made you feel less than? Was there an encounter on the bus or in an office that made you feel uncomfortable? Has someone taken advantage of your kindness?
We can be triggered by someone entering our physical space or by people blatantly talking over us. If that trigger leads to self-destructive behaviors like overthinking, doubt, anxiety, loss of autonomy, you may benefit from some self-care like establishing healthy boundaries.
Self-care practices are deliberate routines or actions taken to improve or preserve our mental, emotional, and physical health. By that definition, we could argue that setting boundaries is an essential self-care activity.
What Does “Setting Boundaries” Mean?
Boundaries in the personal context are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable (or safe) ways for other people to behave towards them.
Setting boundaries means to create and communicate limits for what is allowed or not allowed behavior. It also requires the person setting the boundaries to determine how to respond if someone crosses that line.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or psychological. They can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.
Types of Boundaries
The two most common personal boundaries are physical and emotional.
- Physical boundaries—refer to personal space and physical touch. Healthy boundaries include an awareness of what’s appropriate and what is not in various settings and types of relationships. Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you when you don’t want them to or goes through your personal belongings without permission
- Emotional boundaries—refer to a person’s feelings. Healthy boundaries include limitations on what to share, when. These boundaries can be violated when someone criticizes or invalidates another person’s feelings
Additional boundaries that may be important to establish are psychological, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, legal, material, or time boundaries. How people view the world, share their thoughts, understand and respect intimacy, share money or possessions, or spend their time could also be important aspects to consider when creating boundaries for specific relationships or settings.
There can also be different boundaries depending on the context. People might have particular limits for the workplace and other overarching boundaries. For example, therapists have clear clinical boundaries (defined by state and federal laws) to ensure clear work boundaries. Oftentimes, they define how communication should occur—time, mode of communication or platform, etc.
Some cultures have different expectations for boundaries. For example, some cultures view expressing emotions publicly as inappropriate where other cultures encourage it. Having open and honest conversations about preferences, especially with people who may have different experiences or social norms is important for establishing healthy boundaries.
Why Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing identity. They allow us to pick the types of people we want to spend time with, behaviors that foster deep relationships, and actions that are not acceptable.
According to experts, healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality and can help people indicate what they will and will not hold themselves responsible for.
People aren’t mindreaders. They don’t know exactly how you feel about things or what your preferences are. It may feel like your parents or close friends “should know” how you like to be treated or what triggers you—just because you’ve known them for a long time.
You may have a physical response to specific triggers or you may have said in passing that you don’t like a particular behavior, but that isn’t the same thing as explicitly setting boundaries. If something bothers you, establishing rules or limits on that behavior puts your preferences out in the open.
Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand.
Then, it’s up to that person whether they choose to accept your boundary or not. They have the opportunity to respect your boundary or the choice to disregard it—the same way you can choose to walk away from people who do not respect your preferences.
Boundaries help you ensure that your relationships are mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.
You Have Rights
As a human being, you have dignity and value. You also have the right to feel safe, have your privacy and boundaries respected, have your needs met, and be heard.
Healthy boundaries could be the difference between a healthy and happy relationship and a dysfunctional one. Not having enough limits—or having too many—could cause stress between partners or friends.
Basic Principles of Healthy Boundary Setting
- Boundaries create safety. People know where they stand with you and allow you to take care of yourself.
- Boundaries allow others to grow. Communicating limits makes other people conscious of their behavior, thus allowing them the opportunity to change.
- Boundaries attract good. They protect you from unwanted behavior and foster the behavior you want.
- Boundaries should be enforced. Stay committed to what is right and true for you, even if it’s unnatural and awkward at first. With practice, you will get more skillful at communicating and reacting to boundaries being tested.
Benefits of Boundaries
By identifying and communicating your needs, you have the potential to conserve emotional energy that would have spent replaying interactions in your mind or worrying about what to do when you’re triggered. Speaking up can also increase your self-confidence and independence. This open communication can lead to stronger and more respectful relationships.
How to Create Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries should not compromise your values for others, appropriately share personal information, and communicate personal wants and needs. They should not evoke fear, overshare personal information, or infringe on people’s rights.
Most people have a mix of different boundary types depending on the relationship and setting. For example, people could have healthy boundaries at work and loose boundaries with personal relationships.
There are several steps you can take to create and communicate your boundaries. In short, you’ll need to identify your limits, define your boundaries and consequences, then communicate them. If you’re just starting the process of self-reflection and boundary setting, you’ll likely need to spend a lot of time working through your values, your emotional triggers, and key relationships.
Step 1: Identify Your Limits
Start by thinking about what “triggers” you. Some questions that can help you figure out your limits:
- Are there certain behaviors that automatically put you on edge?
- How would you describe a healthy and open conversation?
- What interactions make you feel uncomfortable?
Once you have an idea about what makes you uncomfortable, you can start thinking about your preferences and how you would prefer people talk/act/respond to you. Ask yourself if your response changes depending on the context. For example, maybe you would set some boundaries on type of acceptable joking for friends that would be different than coworkers during the workday.
Step 2: Define Clear Boundaries & Consequences
During this phase, it might be helpful to think about what boundaries already exist for you or that you want to exist for you. Consider writing down wanted and unwanted actions in a journal.
Once you have identified your boundaries, think about potential consequences. It’s helpful to think about this at the same time, outside of a heated situation, so that you have a clear idea of what to do if someone chooses to ignore your boundaries.
For example, a person in an unhealthy relationship might want to declare that his partner needs to start respecting his diet preferences if his partner wants to continue the relationship. Before he has the conversation, he should determine how far he is willing to go. He should only declare consequences that he is willing to follow through on, or else the boundaries will not be effective.
Some examples of clear consequences:
- If you break plans with me by not showing up or calling me, I will call you on your behaviors and let you know how I feel.
- If you continue [offensive behavior] I will leave the room/house/ ask you to leave.
- If you continue to ignore my solutions or suggestions, I will assume that you are not interested in receiving help from me and I will stop working on your case.
Step 3: Communicate Boundaries
Simply and clearly articulate your boundaries. This conversation is usually prompted when someone has crossed a boundary (whether it was known or unknown at the time).
You do not need to explain or justify your reasoning, just calmly state your request. Psychologists assert, “Say ‘no’ simply but firmly to something you do not want to do. Do not feel that you need to explain.”
One good way to avoid crossing someone’s boundaries (and to avoid having your boundaries crossed) is to have honest conversations about boundaries regularly.
Remember, you may need to repeat or reestablish boundaries with people—especially if you haven’t verbalized boundaries before. Habits are established through repetitive behavior. If the bad habits (or actions that cross your boundaries) were created over time, establishing boundaries for those actions may take some time.
Think about how much time, or repeated requests, you’re willing to go through before walking away. You may choose to allow gradual change for some boundaries and rigid lines in the sand for others. It is perfectly okay for you to leave a relationship that doesn’t respect your boundaries.
If you’re looking for a more in-depth workbook on setting boundaries, Self-Help Alliance’s free “Better Boundaries” Workbook from 2010 might be a helpful starting place for you.
10 Tips for Setting Boundaries
1. Tune into your feelings.
Think about what you react to and why you might feel that way. By developing your self-awareness, you’ll be able to detect areas of your life that might need additional boundaries.
2. Write down your boundaries.
Like goals or events, committing on paper can help you remember your boundaries. It can also give you a reference point for what sparked the need for the boundary or when it was first agreed. You may find that your preferences change over time, and a written list can help you keep track.
3. Back up boundary setting with action.
Planning and agreeing on boundaries is an important next step. Be sure to act on them by communicating your limits!
4. Get comfortable saying no.
I’m not sure why that word is so tough to say sometimes, but a huge part of setting boundaries is deciding and then communicating (repeatedly) what you want. This may mean that you have to elaborate on what you don’t want too.
5. Be direct.
Don’t debate, defend, or over-explain your boundaries. They are like any other decision and do not require input from others unless you ask for it.
6. Seek support.
Support groups, therapists, coaches, friends can provide a sounding board or safe place to discuss and discover your preferences. They can provide different perspectives or keep you accountable to boundary limits that you set for yourself.
7. Make self-care a priority.
When we spend time putting our bodies and souls first, we are able to tap into our emotions and needs in a more intimate way. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care because they are actions taken to improve or preserve well-being.
8. Start small.
Now that you understand the importance of setting boundaries for self-care, you don’t have to do it all at once. Think about the relationships that most closely affect you and start there. Once you have a clear sense of boundaries, communicate those. Then create a plan to continue communicating those needs or possible ways to remove those interactions (if need be).
9. Follow your gut.
As with most things, your intuition is powerful. If you have a feeling that someone is purposely and knowingly disregarding your boundaries, trust that and make a plan. If you think you need to set clearer or firmer boundaries, do it. Your gut is your inner wisdom, schooled from your experiences. Trust.
10. Change when needed.
Not all boundaries last a lifetime—some are for a season. If a boundary is no longer needed, or not strong enough anymore, change it. You have the power to change your mind at any given point in time. Change you mind, change your boundary, communicate the change where necessary.
Conclusion
Healthy boundaries are integral to self-care. Poor boundaries can lead to stress, resentment, relationship issues, anger, or burnout. Setting boundaries can help people make decisions based on what is best for them, not people or places around them. Clear boundaries can lead to self-confidence and self-respect, more positive interactions, and stronger relationships. Whether you are setting physical, emotional, relationship, or time boundaries, be sure to clearly communicate your preferences, limits, and potential consequences.
It isn’t selfish to set boundaries. It’s actually generous. You can be the best version of you by understanding your emotions, establishing clear boundaries, and communicating those to others. It may be awkward or difficult asking (or telling) people what you need. But remember, it’s your choice to establish the boundaries and it’s their choice to respect them or not. You got this. xoxo Mo
